I keep thinking if I do things differently this pregnancy that it will save my baby. I’m not telling my coworkers I’m pregnant until I can’t hide it anymore. No spilling the beans early. I figure holding off to tell my in-laws is also a great idea, since we didn’t do that last time. In my superstitious, obsessed mind, I’m trying to break patterns that I feel might somehow illogically lead to another miscarriage.
I think stupid, stupid things before I can even stop myself from having these thoughts, especially one thing in particular that has been plaguing me all week. For example, I’ll say to myself, “Hmmm, if this light turns green in 3, 2, 1…I won’t miscarry! The baby will be fine”. Or, “If so and so has updated their blog today, then my baby is healthy, and everything is going well”. The thought happens so fast, I have no time to stop it. I curse myself for even having that thought but feel relief if the light turns green or the person posted another blog entry. On the other hand, if the thing I challenged myself to happen doesn’t come to pass, a part of me is devastated.
I HATE these stupid mind games that I don’t even mean to play! They are pointless and only serve to terrorize me. It’s as if I’m sabotaging myself, but I can’t stop it from happening. I’m paranoid that I’ll lose this pregnancy, even though there’s nothing to indicate that anything is wrong with me. Quite the contrary. I’m eating like a pig and having intense cravings already. I’m soooo tired, especially in the early evening. I wasn’t tired at all at 5 weeks last time. Depsite these good signs, I check for blood every time I go to the bathroom, and believe me, I’m going to the bathroom a lot, because I really have to pee all the time. The bathroom at work is where I’m most paranoid; that is where I discovered that I was bleeding last pregnancy. That is where I dread peeing for fear of what I’ll see on the toilet paper.
I have been trying to cut myself some slack and not be so hard on myself, because I realize these fears are perfectly natural for anyone who’s gone through a miscarriage. I wouldn’t be hard on a friend who was doing this, so I why should I be angry at me? I have resigned myself to the fact that it will probably be like this at least until I hear the heart beat at 12 weeks via doppler. Seven weeks to go. It seems like an eternity, but I’m sure it will go faster than I think. It seems agonizing that it will be the middle of October before the miscarriage rate is reduced. October 18th… I need to make an appointment with the midwife and make SURE I can get in on that day to hear the heart beat.
…And to think, most of the world is concerned with preventing pregnancy, not stressing over having a successful one.
My Miscarriage Story 