Last night, I was so emotional! Also, I’ve been feeling twinges in my uterus. I hate this two week wait so much! If only I knew if this time was going to work. Then, I could stop focusing all my energy on it, worrying about it, checking all these meaningless signs that don’t tell me anything and only serve to get my hopes up or dash them to pieces.
My baby’s due date is 6 days away, and I feel like I’m losing my mind. My coworker came to visit my office yesterday. You know, the coworker who is due 2 weeks after I was due. She is huge. She is ready to burst. That should be me! My body screams. My soul cries out in a way I can’t contain or vocalize. I can’t be happy for her, and I have stopped trying. I give myself huge snaps for even contributing to her baby shower gift. After I saw her shower invitation with the little zoo animals all over it, my heart bled. I had to delete it from my email inbox so I would never be hurt by it again. It’s the little things…the little things I long to experience. And of course, the big date – the one that will come and go, and I’ll be the same shape and size I have been throughout these long months.
Next week, I will get hit with a double whammy if I’m not pregnant. I will survive it no matter what, but I prefer to get some good news. I don’t think K knew what to tell me yesterday when I said our baby would have been due in a week. I feel bad for mentioning it, but I don’t want to be the only one in pain. That sounds so selfish, I know! He never remembers dates, so if I didn’t tell him, he wouldn’t know. My parents will be flying back home from Washington that day. They gave me the itinerary so I know what’s going on. August 25th, it reads. So many things are happening on that day. I have heard the date brought up so many times this summer. In each instance, it’s like a javelin going through my chest. I feel my heart skip a beat. I can’t forget.
I want more than anything to focus on what I do have: a loving husband, a house with three silly cats, a family that I actually enjoy being around… It’s so easy to lose sight of all I have, because someone special is missing from this picture. I can’t get my baby back, and the world goes on, because in the grand scheme of things, my baby doesn’t matter. I think that’s what hurts the most.
Ugh. I’m so sorry. It blows. It just fucking blows and there is no other thing I can say. Like you I dread that due date. There is feeling of urgency to conceive for me too. I hate that you have a constant reminder in the form of a co-worker due around your time. I hope this cycle happens for you. I really truly do.